A bridge from ashes.

Every person has their story. 

Hold on, let me correct that: 

Every person has a perception of reality which can alter their perception of the facts of their past, which, in turn, can be the story they present.

For many of us, there are other people involved in these stories, people who we can either be very attached to, people who we miss, or people whom we hate and avoid. Of course, these are not the only variables. 

To some, when these people continue to be in our lives after the span of a few years, it's difficult to get rid of them. To some, these people tend to stay, unless something overtly drastic occurs. To some, these people are valuable, and irreplaceable. 

To me, however, they are, by the most part, like water off a duck's back. Just another human, who's trying to survive, and therefore, I tend to burn bridges, even ones I've had, easily, at times over petty or unusual things. I, for quite some time, acted on the "You harm me in any way, and you're gone" philosophy. Looking back, I probably lost alot of opportunities or potential friends this way. But, then again, I probably avoided getting back stabbed. 

As a result, It's also become -quite- difficult for me to bond with people. Trust, to me, is a very rare, and valuable thing. It's not something I give freely. On the day that I'm typing this, I can only think of four people I can trust.  

This, of course, is a double edged sword. Aside the amount of loneliness I endure on a regular basis when I'm not working, exercising, or generally keeping myself occupied, the dread of solitude tends to creep up on me. Like a leach, it drains me of my energy, my IQ, and my motivation. 

This, at times, leads me to seek out the help of the few people I've grown to trust. 

While at times I feel like these people love me unconditionally, I also suspect that my exclusive attention towards them makes me overbearing, needy, and at times, irritating. It deeply troubles and worries me, as I seek to make the lives of the people I love better, not worse. 

This, at times, leads into a vicious cycle of avoidance, which leads to more solitude."I've spoken to them enough, give them space" leads to "They don't want to hear from me" leads to "They don't care", which leads to "I'm better off alone." 

Often times this leads me to disconnecting from them for a certain amount of time. Days, months, weeks, or years. 

The emotionally detachment creates issues on the few occasions we meet in person,  as my lizard brain wants to be friendly and loving, but my brain tells me that I will harm them if I do so. From what I've gathered, it makes me act rude, distant, and overtly bitter.

 

Then I wonder, if I should burn those bridges, too.